I Still Want You Back

Pride.
The reason why happiness is tampered.

After this ego of mine has been satisfied, I came to my senses. I am wrong. I am badly hurt. And this is not my longtime happiness. Just a temporary one.
It's been a couple of years since we broke up, and I still haven't moved on. Wounds are still fresh. Mourning at nights. And breathing keeps on getting harder and harder as days pass by without you.

I know that this was my request. This was my wish. And all of my hurtful words are still fresh in my memory. I said we had to break up because there were no spark anymore. I can't find you attractive anymore. That every action you made irritates me to the point of harming you physically. I might be confused on what I really wanted. You may say I'm at lost. I gave up on us.

It was already suppose to be the next step of having a future together but I walked on a different path from you. We weren't on the same page anymore. I kept on pushing you away. I kept on saying that we should find happiness separately. That I need space. I never felt the pain when I said these words. I never felt more happy and free at this time. But you still insisted that you will be there for me whenever I needed you. That you will stay by my side even though I'm going to love another guy. That even though I'll get pregnant and the father will leave me, you'll replace on his behalf. I believed in it.

So I went on with my life without you. I let you see how easy for me to move on. That I've forgotten all about you. I flirt. I see other men. I go out at nights. I can do things on my own without asking any of your help. I made it clear for you that I am no longer dependent on you. I can now survive on my own. I made you see that I am happy and that I was never hurt from our break-up. I've ignored your advices and requests. Worked my ass off and made myself busy like I have forgotten all about you and I have no time to think about you.

Whenever I ran out of friends to ran unto, I kept on turning back for you. I search for you. I share you my thoughts and feelings. I long for you whenever I felt loneliness. And you did not hesitate on ignoring me. You answered my plea.

Until one day, you disappeared. Vanish. Without leaving any information on what happened or even leaving an explanation. None. It's been bugging me. I cannot go out properly with my friends because the thought of you pops in my head for no reason. I woke up every morning with a pain in my chest as if there's something missing. But I still go on with my day. Before I went to sleep at night, I wondered what you're doing at that very moment. You were the first and last thing on my mind everyday. I still haven't made peace with my thoughts about you. My questions about you were left unanswered. Have I done something wrong? I thought he wouldn't leave my side?

I came to my senses. I realized your worth in my life. Everyday felt like dying. It's killing me and it was not healthy for me. Waking up every morning with a pain in the chest. Crying myself at night and regret things. Everyday. Over and over again. Passing by to our dating spots. Hearing our song playing. Waiting for you to climb up my window again because I felt lonely.

So I tried to look for all ways possible to contact you. To see you. To hear your voice. But I can't. I tried to look at your social site and saw that you have moved on with your life. You're happy without me. So I tried my best to forget all about it and move on with my life too.

I got stuck to your words before. That you will always be there whenever somebody hurts me. I got stuck with false hope, hope of having you as a back up. My option when things fail. It made me realized that you were never an option from the start. It's all about my pride. My pride telling me that I should not be together with you again because of a stupid little mistake you made. I tried to be patient. I tried to wait for that day to come that you will one day get me back, but it never happened. Having hopes destroy me. It hurts more hoping for something that will never happen. I should have just hoped for a new man instead of you getting me back.

I broke down. Became a psychopath. Stalked you. Called you a million of times. Flooded you with messages. You ignored me. You managed to ignore me and not reply to my demands anymore. It led me no choice but blackmailed you. Told you that I'm gonna kill myself if you wouldn't answer me. And after a couple of minutes, you answered. It rejoiced my inner soul to hear your voice again. But something was off. I can feel that you were annoyed when I called. You weren't happy. I asked questions. Questions that have been bothering my thoughts throughout the day, everyday. You answered them. They weren't the words I wanna hear. Lastly, I asked if you were given a chance to have a wish granted by me, what would it be. You said that you wanted me back but you were already too tired to give it another chance just because you saw me with a guy whom you thought fancies me. I made things clear for you. You concluded without asking me. Isn't this pride again? Hindering you to do what you really wanted to do. And we went back from the very start. Start as friends.

That's our level at this very moment as I typed this blog.

But I just realized something. Things are different. They are not the same as before. I can feel that you don't show efforts anymore. Or is this just you getting old? No. You really changed. The guy I met before can predict that whenever I needed him, he will rush over without having any second thoughts. Now, even though we are just 2 cars away, you don't even wave a hand or catch my attention that you were just there, watching me. You now prefer to talk with your grandma than exchange conversation with me. You don't wake up early to go jog with me anymore. It hurts knowing the fact that I am not your everything anymore. That you can sleep soundly without a message from me while I still wait for a reply until it'll already be way past my bedtime.

Things changed.
Or is this just me overthinking stuffs?

I am going to make a decision at this very moment. I am going to continue my goals before I met you. I am going to live life as if you don't mean anything to me anymore. I am going to make myself busier than ever.

Pride is no longer involve in the matter. You may call it revenge or any adjective that suits to describe the situation. I don't care. I will try to be crazy for you. To let you get used to receive my messages everyday and feel me.

I have learned to treasure the people who loved me. I will try my very best not to push them away anymore. Starting with the next guy I'm going to meet. A guy who's already working and just 30 minutes away from me. Long distance relationship still doesn't work for me. I still cannot picture out a future with someone far away from me. I no longer trust men as of this moment. No exemptions.

Happiness: You Cannot Have It All

 

 

Open up your very own business. Buy a house with a maid's quarter, and if possible, pool. Buy a luxurious sportscar with the speed that reaches your heart with content. A dog who is always waiting for you on the doorstep as you go down to your vehicle.

That's the dream.

Until one day, a guy walked in my life. Yes, he is perfect. He is everything you wanted. But one problem: he's far away from the dream in life. They're both far from each other. Cannot be attained together.

Which would you prefer? A perfect lifestyle? Or the perfect partner?

Let's compare the perks of both sides.

The dream.
It's the perfect lifestyle. You can go to restaurants, treat your family with your own money. You can cruise anywhere you want. But of course, gas is the limit. You have your very own home theater, your very own game center with the latest game consoles which all men craved for. You have a loyal friend to be there whenever you needed him. He can be with you when you go to sleep, when you eat, when you want to go out and exercise. Go travel the world. Plus unlimited shopping. Perfect. But the difference is...you have no one to share it with. Yes, you may share your wealth to your parents, your friends. But having a significant other is different. What's the point of it all if it feels lonely? Empty? Incomplete?

The guy.
The perfect significant other. He has the looks. He is very caring. He is as sweet as your favorite chocolate. He is as loyal as your bestfriend in life (like a loyal friendly dog who's been with you since birth). He is as friendly as your bff. He knows how to treat you like a princess. Make you feel safe, feel warm, feel loved. He knows how to make you laugh in every way. And yes, he knows how to make you feel sad, mad and even make you cry. He seriously knows how to make you feel good. He knows you physically from head to toe. But of course, there are times that the man you wanted has his own wants. His own happiness. There are times that he will forget about you and have enjoyed his company with friends. There are times that he will be blinded by the excitement to be with his friends that he might leave you all alone at the airport with a heavy burden because you just came out from a parent's quarrel. There are times that he wants you all to himself but he doesn't belong to you wholly. But that's not a problem when you are in love. No. The BIG problem is different from those. He live very far away from you. It's like you are both at the different ends of the earth where physical communication is impossible. It breaks your heart knowing that he is beyond your reach. Cannot fill in to each other's emptiness, happiness and experience together.

How will this be solved? Will it be the perfect dream and follow the saying, "There are other fishes in the  sea"? Or will it be with the perfect guy, sacrifice the dream life and be content on a simple one?

What will it be then?
The dream life?
Or the dream guy?


A reply would be much of a help. Thank you.

Long Distance Relationship

He fetched her at the airport. She only have a day left to be with her guy. They're both inside the car, holding hands, spending every minute as if it's their last. They arrived at his house. Dropped all things on hand and held on each other's arms. Gave a passionate kiss. His arms slowly holding her waist. Her arms around his neck. And the day ended.




 

You have someone you loved. You can't picture out life without him. But due to circumstances, you have to go far away from him. So far that you both live on the opposite ends of the earth. And that's how long distance relationships start.

As we all know, long distance relationships never last. There are too many rules to follow in order for it to work. Living in the 21st century, there are too many temptations, too many bad influence around you. How can the one suffice the needs of the other one? Only trust and patience can truly make things work out.


If you are in a long distance relationship, try to avoid the following:

Lose communication

When both cannot communicate by their usual time, there is a possibility that the relationship is drifting away. That feeling when you have nothing to tell to the other person anymore. When talking or sending a message to the one you love doesn't excite you anymore or it feels annoying already. Try to share the things you have done for the day. Try to explore things and share it to the other person. Never give in to let one feel like there is nothing to talk about anymore. But make sure too that the topics you try to open up is a topic which the other person can also enjoy.

Suspicion

There are no rooms for suspicion in a long distance relationship. Learn to trust your partner whole heartedly. A single suspicion will break the bond you have for each other and it is a beginning of the end if you start to suspect your partner.

Settle for a temporary replacement

One of the mistakes that a distance relationship couple often make is to settle for a temporary replacement when their partner is not physical around Third parties, even though unintentionally, can break the mutual trust and agreement that you make.






But of course, there are also perks on having a long distance relationship. Having a LDR will make you realize how you love each other's company, how you wanted to be on each other's arms again, how incomplete life will be without the other. But despites these things, the negative traits still prevails in real life.

Think before deciding on staying on a long distance relationship.