The reason why happiness is tampered.
After this ego of mine has been satisfied, I came to my senses. I am wrong. I am badly hurt. And this is not my longtime happiness. Just a temporary one.
It's been a couple of years since we broke up, and I still haven't moved on. Wounds are still fresh. Mourning at nights. And breathing keeps on getting harder and harder as days pass by without you.
I know that this was my request. This was my wish. And all of my hurtful words are still fresh in my memory. I said we had to break up because there were no spark anymore. I can't find you attractive anymore. That every action you made irritates me to the point of harming you physically. I might be confused on what I really wanted. You may say I'm at lost. I gave up on us.
It was already suppose to be the next step of having a future together but I walked on a different path from you. We weren't on the same page anymore. I kept on pushing you away. I kept on saying that we should find happiness separately. That I need space. I never felt the pain when I said these words. I never felt more happy and free at this time. But you still insisted that you will be there for me whenever I needed you. That you will stay by my side even though I'm going to love another guy. That even though I'll get pregnant and the father will leave me, you'll replace on his behalf. I believed in it.
So I went on with my life without you. I let you see how easy for me to move on. That I've forgotten all about you. I flirt. I see other men. I go out at nights. I can do things on my own without asking any of your help. I made it clear for you that I am no longer dependent on you. I can now survive on my own. I made you see that I am happy and that I was never hurt from our break-up. I've ignored your advices and requests. Worked my ass off and made myself busy like I have forgotten all about you and I have no time to think about you.
Whenever I ran out of friends to ran unto, I kept on turning back for you. I search for you. I share you my thoughts and feelings. I long for you whenever I felt loneliness. And you did not hesitate on ignoring me. You answered my plea.
Until one day, you disappeared. Vanish. Without leaving any information on what happened or even leaving an explanation. None. It's been bugging me. I cannot go out properly with my friends because the thought of you pops in my head for no reason. I woke up every morning with a pain in my chest as if there's something missing. But I still go on with my day. Before I went to sleep at night, I wondered what you're doing at that very moment. You were the first and last thing on my mind everyday. I still haven't made peace with my thoughts about you. My questions about you were left unanswered. Have I done something wrong? I thought he wouldn't leave my side?
I came to my senses. I realized your worth in my life. Everyday felt like dying. It's killing me and it was not healthy for me. Waking up every morning with a pain in the chest. Crying myself at night and regret things. Everyday. Over and over again. Passing by to our dating spots. Hearing our song playing. Waiting for you to climb up my window again because I felt lonely.
So I tried to look for all ways possible to contact you. To see you. To hear your voice. But I can't. I tried to look at your social site and saw that you have moved on with your life. You're happy without me. So I tried my best to forget all about it and move on with my life too.
I got stuck to your words before. That you will always be there whenever somebody hurts me. I got stuck with false hope, hope of having you as a back up. My option when things fail. It made me realized that you were never an option from the start. It's all about my pride. My pride telling me that I should not be together with you again because of a stupid little mistake you made. I tried to be patient. I tried to wait for that day to come that you will one day get me back, but it never happened. Having hopes destroy me. It hurts more hoping for something that will never happen. I should have just hoped for a new man instead of you getting me back.
I broke down. Became a psychopath. Stalked you. Called you a million of times. Flooded you with messages. You ignored me. You managed to ignore me and not reply to my demands anymore. It led me no choice but blackmailed you. Told you that I'm gonna kill myself if you wouldn't answer me. And after a couple of minutes, you answered. It rejoiced my inner soul to hear your voice again. But something was off. I can feel that you were annoyed when I called. You weren't happy. I asked questions. Questions that have been bothering my thoughts throughout the day, everyday. You answered them. They weren't the words I wanna hear. Lastly, I asked if you were given a chance to have a wish granted by me, what would it be. You said that you wanted me back but you were already too tired to give it another chance just because you saw me with a guy whom you thought fancies me. I made things clear for you. You concluded without asking me. Isn't this pride again? Hindering you to do what you really wanted to do. And we went back from the very start. Start as friends.That's our level at this very moment as I typed this blog.
But I just realized something. Things are different. They are not the same as before. I can feel that you don't show efforts anymore. Or is this just you getting old? No. You really changed. The guy I met before can predict that whenever I needed him, he will rush over without having any second thoughts. Now, even though we are just 2 cars away, you don't even wave a hand or catch my attention that you were just there, watching me. You now prefer to talk with your grandma than exchange conversation with me. You don't wake up early to go jog with me anymore. It hurts knowing the fact that I am not your everything anymore. That you can sleep soundly without a message from me while I still wait for a reply until it'll already be way past my bedtime.
Things changed.
Or is this just me overthinking stuffs?
I am going to make a decision at this very moment. I am going to continue my goals before I met you. I am going to live life as if you don't mean anything to me anymore. I am going to make myself busier than ever.
Pride is no longer involve in the matter. You may call it revenge or any adjective that suits to describe the situation. I don't care. I will try to be crazy for you. To let you get used to receive my messages everyday and feel me.
I have learned to treasure the people who loved me. I will try my very best not to push them away anymore. Starting with the next guy I'm going to meet. A guy who's already working and just 30 minutes away from me. Long distance relationship still doesn't work for me. I still cannot picture out a future with someone far away from me. I no longer trust men as of this moment. No exemptions.
